Around this very day 2 years ago (on March 9th of 2023, to be precise), I wrote my first ever journal entry on chimera.pet (which, while completely mundane in its content; it's no longer public for now). At that time, I had just launched the site a month before and was chomping at the bit to be able to have a place to share whatever I'd like. Despite that, I never found myself very satisfied with it... over the course of 2 years, I only managed to post a meagar total of 11 entries... That's kind of sad for someone who spends all of its time inside on the computer, huh? At least, that's what I'd like to say. After all this time, I'm still someone who finds itself recoiling upon putting my thoughts into legible text. When you're someone who struggles with that, what use is there in keeping a journal like this; let alone publishing it for the entire world to see?

Off the top of my head...

• It's a way to help fill up the holes in my god-awful memory.
• This is a form of practicing communication (internally and externally), and getting out of my shell.
• This allows me to take up a space that's my own, instead of relying on something like discord or social media.
• It'll help me remember things, I think?

All of that is probably pretty self-evident to anyone who actually manages to read this, but it's seriously a tough nut to crack for me. The past 2 years have done a real number on my self-confidence. I've developed "some sort of OCD-like thing" that makes the idea of talking like this really scary. It's made wildly more complex by the influence of other parts, too. I feel a need to justify every word I'm saying here, and make sure that it's something that someone can find "useful". I've always struggled with this to some degree, but it's significantly worse now. Come to think about it... that's all this entry has been so far, huh? Oops.

Oh, well. Welcome to my first journal entry of 2025, and the first entry being written for Chimera.pet 4.0! (More elaboration on that in a later entry.) If you're someone whose followed the site since its debut, the issue I mentioned before had become obvious from the real lack of maintenance this place has suffered from. After my self image worsened, it became significantly harder for me to connect with this site as a passion project. I wrote about it in one of my few entries from the time (ironically, it was also written in March):

"i've undergone a lot of change since the last time i worked on the site. if i'm being completely honest, it's been difficult to connect with the project, or things that i know i should enjoy at all. isn't that depressing? what use is there writing these entries when it's all just complaining... who would want to read that? why does it even matter?"

I remember writing this, actually. I don't remember writing most of my other entries, so that makes it stand out to me. While I've already gone on at length about the use of a journal, I don't think my passion for the website itself ever really vanishes. It just happens to be linked to my self, whom I happen to have more issues with... I found myself wanting to completely eradicate any proof of my existence during those times. Even if I still struggle, I'm glad to have been able to put so much work into a newer iteration of the site that I can actually feel proud of. When I look at older versions of the site (or the current public version at the time of writing) I just see a version of myself that I feel at odds with. Because of that, I've put a lot of work into trying to put parts of my self that I actually enjoy into the new iteration.

At the time of writing, I've got quite a lot left to do. The only things I really have done are the personal index and this journal. I know a journal entry is not the most productive use of my time, but it's something I'll need to practice. Maybe now that I've smudged up this screen with my pawprints, I won't feel so bad about touching it anymore? At the very least, I hope you'll look forward to (or... are enjoying?) reading all of these entries once this goes public. Thanks for sticking around. It's taken me about 3 hours to write all of that, and I'm hungry...

PS: Special thanks to my friend Ethan for helping me fix my 11ty templating for these individual posts!